It was the final minutes of the last hockey game of the season of my senior year. I played for Brookline High, the 0-20 team every year; we’ve never won a game. Although we’ve never won we try very hard. So as the clock ran down from three minutes left in my hockey career to two minutes to finally one minute as the scoreboard read 2-2, Brookline wasn’t winning yet again. I hopped over the boards with 12 seconds to go in the game; I took two hard strides back towards the defensive zone when I noticed the puck flying over the opponent’s head and towards me. I was nervous yet excited, I quickly stopped and changed directions, now bursting down the ice, chasing the puck, with a pair of defenders back checking, I knew what I had to do. I finally got my stick on the puck, sticking handling, controlling the puck I looked up to see what the goalies position was to plan where to shoot. I wound up to take a shot at the empty side of the net where the goalie wasn’t, when I was tripped. I lost control of the puck as the referee blew his whistle declaring a penalty of the defensemen that tripped me and awarded me a penalty shot.
The 15-20 fans we had, all parents and sibling, were cheering loud for me to score to leading Brookline to its first win in several years. I was so nervous; I’ve never experienced victory in the Brookline High career, never the less scoring the game-winning goal. I was thinking of good dekes and shots that I could possibly use to put Brookline on top when the referee blew his whistle indicating it was time for me to go. I skated down the center of the ice; stick handling back and forth, my heart was pumping as fast as could be. I got closer and closer to the goalie, and it was time for me to make my move. I dipped my left shoulder down faking the goalie, leaving the entire right side of the net open…I shot it top right corner, raising my hands in the air to celebrate as the puck “bing” hit the crossbar, bouncing away from the net. The other team jumped over the boards yelling, screaming, celebrating, and congratulating their goalie of the save as I ended my career in a tie. Although it was my only tie it was nothing to compare with a win. As I skated back to my bench, my teammates told me how great of a job I did but I couldn’t accept their compliments because I knew it was all fault.
Interesting start on this. Think about using shorter paragraphs as a way to build up the suspense. By putting everything in two, large paragraphs, you make your story seem more like a report than a story. Take your time with the set up. Consider putting in more of what you're thinking and more of what's going on around you.
ReplyDeleteWe'll be working with these stories this week, and that should help you out.
i think you need to give more information about the situation, instead of just putting us in the end of a play maybe give backrund or aqtlkeast a summary on the season or other seasons so that the reader knows the atmosphere that the players have to play in
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